i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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