She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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