i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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