He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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