Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
