I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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