under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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