I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
