When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
