my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
