its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
