when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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