I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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