I'm sorry my penis didn't work
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You ruined the universe
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