nut hugger
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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