Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
