i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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