hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
