too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
