I cut my penus on the lid.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
