im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
