I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you never un-have a 4some
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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