I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
tell me about the fingering
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
