I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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