I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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