I think I won the penis lottery.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
