Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
