her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
