mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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