is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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