no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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