If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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