so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
