these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize