is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
