She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
