My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
