Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
