No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I wanna passion pit in your ass
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
