I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
