my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i've created a new STD.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
