If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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