I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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