Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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