I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
