I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
