Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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