I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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