Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
