apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
