I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
