good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
