I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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