Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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