Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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