Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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