dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
