just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
