so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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