he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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