You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
