I've blown a few things in my day
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
