I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
