Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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