I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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