His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
