I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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